During last year, I really enjoyed writing these blogs. I loved sharing our wedding plans and helping inspire other brides to come up with ideas for their own too. With my work being predominantly based around weddings, there’s not much I haven’t seen or witnessed within the industry so sharing that advice and knowledge was great fun.
I questioned myself on whether I should even pick them back up again but across all of my blogs and social platforms I really do try to be as honest and as truthful as I can. With makeup, with mental health and with body image so by not sharing these thoughts but continuing to talk about the highlights, would be against everything I believe in. In a way, I felt so alone during this time that hopefully by writing this blog it may help someone who’s feeling the way I felt six months ago.
What you don’t ever read and hear about whilst wedding planning, is how absolutely overwhelming the entire situation of being engaged can feel; excited to try on dresses, planning hen do’s, thinking about all of your loved ones being in the same place at one time. However, in the middle of summer last year, I really shut down and at the time, struggled to understand why. I started feeling irritated towards a question that was supposed to feel so exciting to answer. I was so fed up of all the conversations focussing on how big and grand and beautiful everything was going to ‘look’ and it was deterring my thoughts away from why I’m excited – to get married. The exciting parts can still be overwhelming. Choosing to buy the most expensive dress you’ve ever bought when Boohoo will usually suffice, or even hearing how excited your family and friends are knowing that they’re going out of their way to celebrate with you, can feel too much.
Divorce is common, marriages break down but whilst we live in such a different world to what once was, it’s difficult to not let it affect you as like most things in today’s society there are many opinions on what’s ‘right’ and on what’s ‘wrong’. The potential ‘failing’ of a marriage adds an immense pressure and if you’re truly wanting to get married for the intention of ‘being married’, you’ll feel it. I hadn’t read or heard about anybody else feeling this way and so I convinced myself that the way I was feeling must have been wrong. I thought it must have meant I didn’t love my partner enough, or that we didn’t have a relationship worthy of marriage… that we wouldn’t last. Our thoughts aren’t controlled by us, they come and go and it’s ok to feel however you feel. They will in time, pass.
Of course I understand it’s only natural that if somebody knows you’re engaged, they ask you about the colour of your flower bouquets rather than saying “pleased you’re planning a wedding but let me sit you down and talk you through the ups and downs my marriage has faced.” (Could’ve really done with that at the time mind). I remember spending so much time finding blogs and reading forums about the way I was feeling. Scrolling through my WhatsApp contacts wondering who to seek advice from because if they were single, not married, in a happy marriage or divorced, I was convinced they wouldn’t be able to relate. If there’s one thing I pride my relationship on, it’s that we could talk about anything yet for obvious reasons, this was something I felt I wasn’t able to fully express my feelings about. However, since coming out the other side, I truly feel this man will be in my life forever as he has endured the ‘Mother’ of all breakdowns with nothing but patience and logic (and logic I lack).
Weddings, celebrations etc are far more over the top now than they ever have been. If Kylie Jenner can turn half of America into a playground for her daughters 1st Birthday party, then nobody’s going to bat an eyelid if I make place names for Christmas Day out of candy canes ,(please don’t think I’ve just compared myself to Kylie Jenner…purely our creative efforts, mine will always be on a budget). I actually enjoy the creativity of occasions and reasons to celebrate. I love decorating and crafting and whether it gets put onto the internet or not, is irrelevant because I find joy in doing so. I feel as though I allowed people’s expectations of me as a bride or the type of wedding we’ve chosen, overshadow the real reasons I know in my heart were 100% more important. Even as a confident person in who I am and what I do, I felt so judged and worried for the way I was feeling.
So, I think I wanted to share these things with you because I feel it’s important to know that whether you’re having a small intimate gathering or huge big occasion, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed as well as feeling excited. It’s ok to even forget that you’re getting married in however many months because life still goes on outside of that.
There’s a HUGE pressure for everything to ‘look’ phenomenal for one day and it’s too much… so ignore it. My advice is that you should spend time on what you want to look beautiful but spend the time you have, without it consuming every minute of your days. Spend money on what you want to spend money on but spend the money you have and most importantly do not forget why you’re getting married. The reasons, the vows, the love, the promises, the commitments, the times that aren’t always shiny, and the times that are.